She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
