I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
organizing the empties. That sober.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
