I'm really into asian looking animals
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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