Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
