im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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