oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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