The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
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