She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize