Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
