I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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