i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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