no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
