Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
