There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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