I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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