I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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