i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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