I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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