his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
