I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
