i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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