The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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