They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
