Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
did i just pee glitter
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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