Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
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