I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize