At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
