you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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