There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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