Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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