even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
