Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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