I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
