Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Randomize
