Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
