i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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