He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
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