I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
