Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize