omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
