i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
