I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
