we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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