whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
