My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
