Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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