When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
