Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
