We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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