I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
