You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
