Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
