you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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