Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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