I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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