I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
