I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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